deleted my posts again. a website feels too final. i think i keep seeing this not as a medium of communication, direct or parasocial, but rather a platform for ideas; and as those aren't fleshed out, there's so much pressure on me to write well. not least because someone will inevitably download it or save it on the archive and judge me later.
and i think for most people, that's fine. they don't mind defending themselves. but with how weak and sensitive i am, it's just... ꩜_꩜.
like. when i say i'm a girl, it feels like a desperate grasp at what the female gender is supposed to be. at what my childhood and young adulthood were supposed to be. at the weird halo that stuff seems to get whenever something is written by a girl. to the point where it doesn't really mean anything. and so i'm loath to say that. besides, it's been a long time since i've been treated like one—penetrated—violated. and at this point people would tell me to just go out and find a guy, short-term or long-term. except trusting someone enough to be honest with them, let alone with my body, takes years. both in terms of emotional safety and physical safety.
eh. it's nice to keep this website dynamic. i dunno.